Why is he acting like that? Seems to me that you had a nice date. Move on. His behavior is not that of a grownup man who wants a real relationship. That he asked you to be his girlfriend after one date does not strikes me as being a little kooky.
Hang in there. There are tons of nice men out there but they only find you when you make it clear you expect to be treated nicely. Hugs, Bp. If he does call and ask her out for dinner, great. But I just have to push it back out, and keep on living. He knows how to find me. It really is the most attractive thing we as women can do. There could be a thousand possible explanations going on in his mind. Sounds like he is working on his purpose.
It could mean this or something else. It could mean that he realized in meeting you that you are way out of his league. Whether this is true or not, remember this is what he believes. It could also mean that he is not emotionally mature enough for what you are offering. He would rather not be embarrassed and rejected later. It could also mean that he was hit by a car, or someone close to him was injured… or his dog died… or some other calamity.
The end result is to understand when the time for understanding comes up. Until then, keep dating, keep meeting people, keep the doors and opportunities open and coming into your life. I learned the hard way as you have also mentioned, Bobbi that men can also be immature, insecure and unsure of themselves. Here is another email I received on this same topic: Hello, I have a question and hope you can help me.
So…just live your life! These will also help you: He Ghosted You. And well done in general, I've just found your website and I really like it! Keep up the good work! Thank you for this - I needed it badly. I say "think" because he has not called or texted me in 3 days, after a whirlwind two weeks. I know, I know - two weeks isn't a relationship at all and I truly am not thinking that. What bothers me is how he has just disappeared and how badly I want to keep texting him.
I did once on Thursday - 2 days ago - and that's it, just to see if he was game to get together. I also say "think" because he has a life owns his own business, has 2 kids from his divorce he spends a lot of time with and Christmas is coming and it is unfair of me to expect him to drop everything for me.
So I'm holding off on my final judgment for the time being. I don't want to play games and have been weighing everything I said to him when we were together Tuesday night, thinking I overshared or did something to scare him away.
We had no definite plans to get together again but we talked about trying to connect again on Wednesday. We had such a great time together and talked so easily and comfortably that of course I had high hopes for us to hopefully develop into something more. It's been KILLING me to leave him alone, but I know if I keep bugging him it will be because of what I'M lacking in my life feeling lonely and wanting someone to make me feel attractive and special and totally scare him away.
Now, thanks to reading these blogs, I can think about whether or not I want to call him, and put me in control of my own destiny. If I never hear from him again, I will be sad of course. But I can say that he was put into my life to show me, even if ever so briefly, that I am desirable something I needed to feel after my wasted 23 years with my husband. I am a strong, confident woman and I don't need a man to make me whole, right?
I WANT a man in my life who wants to be with me and be my equal. Such a great article! Thank you! There are so many 'advice' articles out there from men and women who encouraged you to continue to play games. I noticed by fear of contacting him was that I wasn't playing the game right.. I'm 'suppose' to be hard to get - act busy, making it hard, etc.
By doing that I'm playing into the game. What's important is being yourelf.. When I put that together I texted him if he was free to talk..
We talked for a hour.. I'm not sure what will happen in the future yet what this experience has taught me is the importance of being myself.. Exactly, Heather! Being true to yourself is the only way to know for sure if someone is truly right for you - not just for the person you're pretending - or trying - to be!
So glad this resonated so much with you. Hi jane. Im sara. Im confused right now, i dont know whther he likes me or whatever it is. Here's the story, I met a guy during my volunteering programme lasted for a week.
My friend told me, she caught him staring at me couple of times. And his friend teased him by calling my name but i wasnt around at that time. There was one time he flirts with me but i didnt really get the meaning. So i thought he likes me. The third day of the programme i told him i wont be coming again in the future for this volunteering programme.
So i told him you dont want to keep my number. And yeah we exchanged number. If a man doesn't call it's because he doesn't want to call. Go about living your life. Don't let it depend on a man calling. Men flirt for a myriad of reasons and it doesn't really mean they're interested all the time. Reading much into it will get you into trouble.
Focus on you, your life, your hobbies and other people. Plenty of men out there for you to choose from. Remember that a man will show you who he is with actions. Not to sound like a broken record But thank you I'm a very loyal hard head that was waiting for an absolution I'm a 30yr old, single mommy, with a house, a car, and a nice big office. I had met a guy far better than all the rest thus far , I didn't fall for him at first, but he fell hard for me.
His enthusiasm was catchy, and so I fell for him soon after, hard. We were riding that wave for almost a year together, just two super happy love birds and my beautiful daughter. Then he started slowly turning into someone I didn't approve of. He started obviously starting at other girls, snapping at me and treating me poorly infront of girls he thought were good looking waitresses, cashiers, just other people we met. I'm not jealous, but I refuse to be disrespected. We were both pretty outgoing and fun loving people, but it got so bad I didn't want to go out any place with him anymore I still went out with my friends and he with his, but it got to be less and less that we went out together any place at all.
Even having people over to hang out seemed to always end sour somehow. Full disclosure, the dating made us both gain about 30lbs. He made every excuse why he wasn't happy never being cruel to me or my daughter mind you , I was a shocker and overnight it seemed. But he had to leave When packing up the last things, some of our "anniversary" items we planned to make a yearly collection came up. I told him "I won't keep them as hollow reminders.
He cried, and said he wasn't sure he wanted this to be permenant I finally saw him, the one I lost to all this I still made him take the items. He said he wanted us to be happy a while alone, which I can be but again I'm fiercely loyal and in love, with that driving me I could wait a VERY long time I'm independant with much to offer someone, should I hold off my possible happiness and cling to the hope that he will come back?
And which person would he be when he got back? The fairtale guy I loved, or the one that treated me like a hinderance to his next conquest breaking my heart? It's been over a month now. No communication. He left saying he would be in touch. I told him, "Don't make promises you don't intend to keep. I'm not painlessly patient mind you, I wanted so badly to text him or for him to do the same. But it never happened. So I searched the intenet for clairity, I found many pitfalls and "how to be a mess graciously" posts I thought I would bother his "healing" and decision to ultimately come back if I communicated with him.
He had said just enough to crack my armor and keep me waiting when he left. I'm tired of being cast aside and loyal to the memory he let die. I was myself today, I texted him. It was short and simple "It's been about a month since you broke it off, and our last contact No answer yet. But either way this goes, I have his spare car keys.
If he texts me back, I will ask him how he would like to pick them up. If he doesn't, I will leave them with a note at his parents home near by. Either way this post gave me the strength to feel confident that I may have dodged a bullet, come out on the other side with my dignity in tact, and learned a great lesson. I'm so glad you found your way here, TLC. There's a reason we find what we do when we need it most. This is a good article..
Hey Jane can you respond to my last post. I've been refraining from all contact waiting to hear back from you lol. What does reaching out bring you? He doesn't respond. A friend responds, he doesn't. To me it's as if you were making excuses for him and for you to still hang on to someone who clearly doesn't care about you and can't give you what you want from a partner.
What does being around him really give you? What does a text buddy really add to your life? Are you really looking for advice or is it more like you'd like someone to tell you it's OK to hold on even if deep down you know it's not? Our life depends on our choices and we are the only ones who know how we feel and what we need. Trust your own judgement. You know more than Jane or anyone what's good for you to do. I've been where you are and I definitely know how it feels, but my experience has shown me that being around a guy, hoping, wishing, being the so called "friend" to him when he doesn't care about me is a complete waste of time and not only that: it erodes your self-esteem, it damages your sense of self worth and sacrifices your dignity.
It's like a slow painful death. It's lonely. When a man tells you he doesn't want a relationship, believe him. Take him at his word. In my very personal opinion, playing the friend is just a cop out to still be there trying because in the back of our head, we think he can change his mind. Trust me, they never do. Do always the most loving thing you can do for yourself. All that amazing love you can give, give it to yourself. You need it the most.
I woke up the day I asked myself what it really was I needed and was holding onto. Turns out it was just my beliefs and fantasies, not the guy because he clearly was someone who didn't care about me, didn't appreciate me and showed me in more ways than one that he didn't.
What's worse, I allowed him to use me as a disposable wash rag because he was having a hard time, because I cared, but the minute he found someone else, he dropped me like a hot potato. He went along happy taking everything I let him take under the rationalization that he had already told me he didn't want me as a girlfriend and knew I did care about him as more than a friend.
It was toxic, and the only one who lost and wasted time was me. I'm glad I woke up and severed ties. I don't know your story or what life has in store for you, but take heed. Our situations are never as unique as we think. You're a wonderful girl, with a lot to give, who deserves a man who adores you and shows you constantly he does.
You deserve a hell of a lot more than unrequited love. A man can tell you many pretty things, but if his actions don't match the nice words, he's not what you want.
Dig within yourself to find out why you're hanging on to someone who isn't hanging on to you. That question and the real honest answer to that question will set you free and tell you cristal clear what you should do for you.
Big hug to you. Thank you for taking time out to respond Angel! I guess it's a hard pill to swallow but hey gotta start healing one day! Hi Jane thanks for this article! Definitely a good read I'm single and I have been for quite some time 2years but I'm emotionally attached to a man and I have been for these two years. I recently moved 12 hours away but we have continuously been in contact, talking and texting daily. He had expressed to me that he loves me and cares for me and he has even sent Me gifts and money etc.
He also said that he is not ready for a relationship. I was ok with it because I enjoy being a friend since I'm not dating anyone else. Just recently I had the gut feeling that he was falling in love with someone else, you know that can't eat can't sleep feeling. So I asked him about it, he totally avoided it saying, "whatever I want to do, do it" so I broke it off and I told him I thought we were closer and could communicate better. He ignored me not the first time he has anyway, I really miss him, I accept the fact that we'll never be an item but I still really love him as a friend.
I've reached out and he hasn't responded. I want to call him so bad but of course everyone says move on leave It alone and don't pursue. I want to so bad because its just me and I'm a loving person and I love him. What do you think I should do? Please respond. He's told you he's "not ready for a relationship". He's said "whatever I want to do, I do it".
Yes, indeed! This is your cue to move on, to choose you instead of someone who is telling you he isn't choosing you and doesn't have any intention of choosing you unless he decides he wants to.
But there's nothing real and tangible for you to hold onto here for you! Pursuing someone, reaching out to someone who isn't on the same page as you doesn't change anything except what it does to you! You deserve so much more than this, Tina. It's because you're a loving person that you deserve to be with someone who can give you something, too.
The most miserable people in the world are the ones who give and give and give of themselves and receive only crumbs back in return, but believe this is somehow what love is.
It's not. If you want real love, refuse to settle for this and you'll set yourself free to receive exactly that from someone who wants this too! Hi Jane, I am very confused at the moment. I dated this guy 3 years ago.. He ended up dating another girl after me. He texted me during his relationship we were still friends and after they broke up he kept on asking me to go out with him.
After a year of him asking me out I finally accepted. We were really happy and he even introduced me to his family, but now he has gone so cold. We argue about him not "trying" all the time. Sometimes he makes me feel as if he wants out. I haven't heard from him all day. I texted him once and he hasn't answered. Any idea why he might be acting like this?
It sounds like he's confused, Ally, and that's what you're picking up on - his confusion. You can either accept him for who he is and stop trying to get him to try harder, or free yourself to find someone who's already there. The choice is up to you. But fighting who he is, and trying to change him will only lead to more arguing and more disconnection for both of you. I clicked this for seeing the question in the title. I DID exactly as I should have: ignored him too.
It doesn't make a difference anyway. He ignored my emails, never emailed to see how I am, never called or txt since he shoved me out. I've merited all the above. I always knew I'd live and die alone. My motto? How else could you have been so sure that he's not the one for you? You're only ever as alone as you want to be. Great article.
I don't usually do this, but after driving friends and family crazy asking for advice, I thought I'd turn to an outside source. I'm 24 and met this guy through a dating app.
We talked for a week or so before exchanging numbers and texting nonstop. About a week later, we met up for drinks. We really hit it off and for someone like myself who usually takes a while to warm up to a person and come out of my shell, I was surprised to find that I was able to be completely myself so quickly. Neither one of us wanted the night to end so we took a walk around the city, stopped for dessert, and ate in the park.
It was a perfect first date. At the end of the night, he got me a cab and texted me as soon as I got back to joke about some of the funnier events of the night.
We continued texting throughout the week and he asked me over to watch a movie the following week since we were both exhausted from our long work days and not really up for going out.
He said he doesn't usually invite girls over so quickly, but felt like we knew each other so well already. By the time the movie ended, it was late and we were both drained. He asked me to stay over, but promised it would just be to sleep. I eventually agreed, and he gave me pajamas and a toothbrush. We ended up talking and kissing all night long, and neither one of us wanted to leave the next morning.
The next night was Friday; he came over and ending up spending the night at my place and then invited me over to hang out the next day. One night turned into three incredibly romantic nights, during which we ended up having sex.
Once the weekend ended and I had to leave, he invited me to dinner for the following night. This pattern continued over the next two months. We were inseparable and things seemed to be going so well. We had the same family background, shared extremely similar past relationships, and just clicked on so many levels. On the days when he was really busy and had no time to text during the day, he would call me at night just to tell me he was thinking about me.
I found myself really falling for this guy. Then for the first weekend in a while, I didn't see him. I didn't think too much of it because we both needed some time to hang out with our friends. We talked during the weekend, saw each other once during the week, but didn't talk as much as we had in previous weeks. When the next weekend rolled around, we texted again but he made no mention of seeing each other. He called me at 2am Saturday night. I didn't answer but after he tried again and texted me saying he really needed to talk, I returned his call.
We talked for a while that night, and during the call he made a comment about how much he missed me when I wasn't there and how he felt like this was real but he wished I could stop with all my joking around. I realized I had been using humor to diffuse some of the more serious moments as a way to protect myself from being vulnerable around him because I knew how strong my feelings were becoming for him and I didn't want to get hurt.
We texted the next day and he made a comment about not remembering anything about calling me last night and asked what he had said. I replied with one of the funnier comments he had made and he called me to find out what else he had said. I didn't really get into it all because I was heading out the door at the time, but said he had made some nice comments about me.
He replied that he didn't mean any of it and said he took them all back. I figured he was joking and we ended the call with me telling him I'd tell him the rest some other time. After that call, I haven't heard from him in about two weeks.
He always used to reach out to me first and I'm so scared that he's really done with everything or just isn't ready for a relationship. I feel numb and upset and so embarrassed because all of my friends and family knew about this great guy that I had been seeing.
I really want to know what his deal is and how he could just disappear so suddenly after we'd had such a great time together and talked about all of the things we wanted to do together in future months. So what should I do? Leave it be and wait for him to possibly reach out? Should I reach out to him? I can't seem to get him off my mind, so any insight would be greatly appreciated! I must say that I do love reading your posts Jane but I feel that this post is popular because it is sort of saying it's ok to call him if that is true to your nature.
I do agree it is essential to never be fake and to show your true self. Many readers have responded with their problems and your advice then tells them not to chase someone. I feel you meant that it's ok to call if you know you are on the same page, you are self aware and your instincts tell you it feels right but SO many people on here are having problems because their instincts have gone off the rails with loving the wrong type.
I really believe a lot of them are feeling they can suddenly justify their actions and will push people away by chasing them. To me, it comes down to manners - taking turns, not assuming too much and not going overboard with someone you barely know. I know your advice to everyone was very sound but I feel many readers have taken this, "be yourself" idea the wrong way and are not willing to be patient or to grow.
A confident woman doesn't panic and a man that's interested will need chains of steel to hold him back if he wants you. Thank you for adding to this conversation, Fairycake; I'm so glad you brought this up. It gives me a chance to clarify my point here for everyone. Because it's not about any him, it's about each woman who finds herself in this situation.
And doing what she can live with, doing what she needs to do for herself absolutely has to come first before any man and what he might think. If she is panicking, if she is so anxious that she can't get her mind off of him and feels so strongly that she just needs to know, then calling him, texting him, reaching out to him, isn't going to change whether they are on the same page or not or whether they are truly compatible.
It only reveals to her what's really there, and what isn't, and allows her to get more of the answers she needs so that she can see this reality for herself, instead of believing that giving him more time, hanging on and waiting for his call or text a little longer - while she agonizes over what to do - is going to bring about the desired response. Yes, I couldn't agree more that "a confident woman doesn't panic and a man that's interested will need chains of steel to hold him back if he wants you" - absolutely!
When we listen to a rule instead of our own feelings and instincts, we send ourselves the very clear message that someone else knows better than we do, and that is where the real damage is done. By listening to one's own instincts, by weighing what waiting for that communication is worth to us versus the reality of what we're feeling in that waiting period, we come to our decision and that's what feels so empowering if we allow it to.
To know it was our decision, that we made that choice knowing full well that we can't control the response, but we did what we needed to do for ourselves - that's the whole point. It's not to get someone who doesn't belong in our lives in the first place, who could never love us the way we are, it's to empower ourselves enough so that we can change what we want to, that we can be the best we can be.
But without that confidence first in listening to what we need and hearing ourselves right where we are, we miss out on a key opportunity to show ourselves our worth to the only person that worth matters to - our very own selves.
I hope this helps, Fairycake. Please let me know if I can explain this further. You are so right that this can be such a confusing - and frustrating! Hey I loved your article but I have a question. So I go to a montessori private school. No dating or anything just crushes and whatever. So I have no idea how in the world to respond to that sort of thing. This guy that I really liked last summer out of the blue told me he liked me for valentines day. He did it over social media and I've only seen him once and I kind of ranaway.
I could really use some help on how to respond. I was always the girl that said middle school dating is stupid, but I like most people always wanted to be loved and so on. Could middle school dating be real if Anyway he told me he liked me and I really like him but I have no idea how in the world to reply.
I probably will not see him till summer and I have never been in a relationship nor kissed a guy since kindergarden. The only other problem is that my friend liked him too. I have no idea if thats true But please help! Hi Jane, I really love your website and all of the great advice that you give! I just wanted to ask for your opinion on a tricky situation I have at the moment.
I have been dating a guy I met online for about a month. Things were going great, when we weren't together he would text me a lot, he seemed to be really into me - hinting about the future etc. On Friday night I stayed at his house for the first time, he cooked a meal and we watched a movie. When we went to bed it was fine at first, but then he could not maintain an erection.
I acted as though I didn't mind and I was still affectionate. The next morning he was totally withdrawn, he was almost avoiding me for a couple of hours. Later on he made me breakfast in bed, and then we talked for a couple of hours and watched tv as if nothing had happened.
However he was not very intimate, and only kissed me goodbye when I was leaving. Since then I text him saying thank you for a great evening and he replied saying that he was glad I enjoyed the meal that he made no mention of anything else and he hoped I had a good weekend. I text him last night Sunday asking how his day was, he said it was ok and asked how mine was.
I replied asking him another question about his day but he has not replied. It's now Monday. Usually in this situation I would think ok well he's just not into me anymore, but I am not sure what to do about this guy after what happened on Friday night. I don't know whether to mention something, to ask if he is ok I know he's really stressed with work , or just to leave it? It just seems to have all changed since the incident on Friday night, I know he may feel embarrassed.. So I just wanted to ask for your advice on what I should do?
Thank you x. Thank you for your kind words, Jo. I would just leave it alone. It's hard to say exactly what's going on with him, but this can be such a sensitive point for a guy, you're better off not discussing it either way unless he brings it up. Since you said you initiated contact with him both times since then and he hasn't reached out since, I would let it go. Whatever it is, it's not you. Clearly something is going on with him and it's not yours to take on or take personally.
If he wants to talk further or see you again, you'll be the first to know. I'm having some relationship issues. I went on a date with a guy who happened to be my friends ex, I didn't want to at first as I never believed in dating a friends ex. She also acts competitive in some of the things we do. We've being together officially since the 28th of December , I made sure I got to know him well.
But this is the confusing bit, he doesn't call me often. But is that why he shouldn't text? He'll text but take ages to reply back which may be linked to him being busy.
We last spoke on Friday 23rd. My last reply to him was "I'm good thanks babe, how was your day. I'd like to give it a go but I'm not sure if he's really willing to. I haven't seen him since last week sunday. But right now I'm so confused with him not texting and not calling.
Please help me and give me your honest opinion. Thank you Jane. His actions are saying so much more than his words, Lana. Yes, he may like you and yes, he may want a relationship with you, but what you're seeing in his behavior of how often he calls or texts, how long it takes him to respond, are all apart of what he's comfortable with. This works for him. So the question becomes, will this work for you? If not, you're not on the same page. It also sounds like you've got an awkward, uncomfortable situation with your friend, his ex, so I would take a closer look at what's going on there for you - and him.
If you're already questioning and re-evaluating your relationship, there's obviously a reason. Listen to that - and trust your gut instincts. Sounds like you already know your own answer.
I need some advice please all the way from SA I met this guy just over 3 months ago and initially it was his friend that took an interest in me. His friend pursued me and we had somewhat of a fling for less than two weeks however I broke it off when I found out the friend has a gf. Shortly after that, me and him started spending time together. He'd come to my place atleast once a week for dinner my first mistake, I know and then the flirting started.
In a room full of women, he'd pay attention to me like I was the only woman there. We'd chat via text almost everyday and spend most weekends together. He then told both my cousin and my best friend that I'm the woman for him, that he really likes me however there was the challenge of me having had been with his friend. In all this, he hasn't relayed this info to me and I can't help but wonder if that's his way of ensuring I get the message without confronting him or he wants me to confront him.
I also am aware that his friend has noticed our connection and doesn't like it; the one night when I went to their place, he told me that he had another female in the room and so I left, only to find that was untrue and for some odd reason, this guy I like seems to think there still something between us when it ended over two months ago. On Monday we went out to a party and under the influence, we kissed, quite passionately.
I had decided that I'm tired of all these games and would confront him to establish what's going on but then he went and lost his phone on Monday. We haven't spoken ever since. He hasn't made any attempt to try contact me and neither have I and I'm getting very frustrated cause I REALLY like this guy and I think about him all the time and I wana get this chip off my shoulder.
If I do contact him it would be either through his friend that I had a fling with or through twitter. Either way, it's an extraordinary effort that I would be making, which, let's be honest, would mean I'm chasing him.
I don't whether I should attempt contact or just let it go. I want to say first that I really like this web site, a lot of good practical advice I am I think older than a lot of the woman on this site and although communication has changed greatly over the years, I still use this rule of thumb when it comes to men and their interest in the opposite sex An interested man will scale mountains and cross oceans to get you to be his, no matter if he is busy, shy, or lives miles.
However, there is a huge misconception about femininity these days. So many people believe that in order to be feminine you have to be passive, go with the flow, and let life wash over you. I don't buy that one bit.
Being feminine isn't about being passive. It's not about being subjected to the mercy and whims of life. Being feminine is about being receptive. You can be completely receptive and open while still taking action — and that includes calling or sending a quick text.
It's all in how you do it. Are you calling from a place of neediness see the previous point? Are you calling him with a hidden agenda? Are you calling him to ask him out? Taking the passive approach in life isn't usually a good strategy in general. You wouldn't expect that being passive with your career or your health would help you get your next promotion or the healthy body that you want, so why would taking a passive approach at dating lead you anywhere better?
The truth is that when you take a passive approach, you generally end up wherever the currents of circumstance take you — and that usually tends to be mediocrity. But if you're not satisfied with having a mediocre relationship or love life, then I'd strongly suggest you take a bit more of an active approach in general.
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